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Roleplayin' AoC Machinima Series - Starring Vaca, Scorp, and Bryan
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Unfortunately they quit making the videos after episode 6, but they did have scripts for episodes 7 and 8. And here they are:
Roleplayin' Episode 7: Exophagy
Outside the gates for Exophagy City stood our noble heroes, the Exophagy members beckoning them in.
“Welcome, welcome! Come in, come in!” said the first guard. His voice was unnervingly high pitched.
“Umm, I’m not sure we’re at the right place actually,” said Bryan as he scratched his head.
“Nooo, don’t be silly, come in, come in!” the guard insisted. Vaca chimed in, “Come on, these guys seems fun! I’m already liking their characters!”
“You would.” Remarked Bryan with disdain in his voice.
“This way, this way!” The guards motioned the group in towards the city. Scorpe walked up to the guard as the others passed by. “After you,” said Scorpe as he gestured the guard forward, “I’ll stick to the rear. As usual! Haha zing!”
Inside the gates, Exophagy city was a bustling place. From workshops to trade posts, nobles to beggars, the city was bursting with life and décor. Oddly enough everyone seemed to have a similar prancy skip in their step, which Bryan found irritating. Vaca was more or less unaware.
The guards led the group just to in front of the inner city wall. “Welcome to the guild city of Exophagy,” explained the first guard, “the number one guild for PvE!!!”
“PVE!!!!” Exclaimed the seconded guard. His voice was some how even more high pitched than the firsts.
Vaca scratched his head. “PvE?”
Bryan explained, “It stands for Player vs. Environment. It means these guys get hard on’s fighting NPC’s and raid bosses.” There was no indication that Vaca actually comprehended this.
Arundo chimed in. “So your name has to do with cannibals?”
“Ohhh, cannibals outside of our own tribe, yessss! So if you’re not one of us you better watch out, as we’ll eat you up! Rawr! Rawr!” The first guard made clawing motions with his hands, while the second made similar motions with high-pitched growls. Silly would hardly describe what they looked like.
The first guard laughed. “Haha, don’t be frightened though, we’re just playing, we’re strictly PvE here, we don’t condone PvP.”
Vaca scratched his head again. “PvP?”
“Player vs. Player.” Said Bryan irritated. “Did you read the game manual at all?”
The first guard shook his head. “Ya we don’t like player killers at all, those PK’s can really interfere with our quest achievements.”
“Eww, I hate those kind of players. They’re the worst!” Said Scorpe with sarcastic sincerity. Bryan gave him a snickering glance.
Arundo rolled her/his eyes. “Anyways, we’re here looking for any information you can give us about the player Pikuu and the Phoenix Medallion.”
The guards gasped. “The Phoenix Medallion!”
“So I take it you know about it?” said Bryan as he crossed his arms.
“Do we ever! “Exclaimed the first guard. “Legend dictates that the medallion is the greatest item ever in this game! To obtain it would be PvEeeexcellent!”
“Exxxxxcellent!” reiterated the second guard.
The first guard continued. “Our biggest lead is that Pikuu character. We try to work with him to find the rest of the medallion, but he never responds and always tries to kill us. He’s mean.”
The second guard reiterated again. “Meeeaaaannnn.”
“Ya, we’ve had first hand experience with that.” Said Bryan nodding his head.
The first guard beckoned the group again. “You must come meet our guild leader! We can all work together to get the medallion! Coommmeeee! Coommmeeee!”
Inside the guildhall, our heroes waited. Bryan leaned against a wall to wait, while Vaca tried to impersonate his lean on an adjacent wall. Bryan tried his hardest to ignore this.
“I don’t really get the whole cannibal thing.” Said Arundo while pondering.
“Ya it’s kinda dumb.” Said Bryan.
“Maybe they’re only cannibals if something happens,” Thought Scorpe out loud, “like if they all turned into ginger bread men.”
“What?” questioned Vaca.
Scorpe continued, “I’d become a cannibal, well a suicidal cannibal that’s for sure.”
Arundo looked puzzled. “You’d eat yourself?”
“Without question! “Exclaimed Scorpe. “What, you think I’m going to let others eat me once they see I’m a delicious home baked cookie? No sir not me.”
The concept was hard for Vaca to grasp. “So you’d eat yourself, to prevent others from potentially eating you?”
“Potentially?” remarked Scorpe, “Inevitably! People eat things like cows and pigs, and those things smell and don’t even look good until you chop em up and cook em. What do you think will happen when they see me walking down the street covered in icing and gumdrop buttons? Primal instinct man, I’d be torn apart in seconds! Besides,” continued Scorpe as he brushed off his shoulder, “I’ve got to be the best tasting ginger bread man ever.”
“I hate gingers…” muttered Bryan. He looked up as the others looking at him. “…bread men. Ginger bread men…”
Scorpe turned back to Arundo. “What I don’t get is how this Pikuu dude found that piece of the medallion. If this item is supposed to be so powerful and hidden in the most secluded places on the server, how to hell does a noob like him find it?”
Bryan shrugged. “Probably dumb luck. What I don’t get is why he never talked. The dude didn’t utter a word. It was mildly creepy.”
“Maybe he didn’t have a mic.” Vaca suggested.
“He could still use the text box option, like that annoying Finnius character uses.” Unbeknownst to our heroes, halfway across the world Finnius has just fallen in combat once again.
“Wtf, you hacking son of a bitch.” Messaged Finnius.
The stranger turned around to his fallen foe’s body. “What?”
“You could never beat me in a fair fight, I am the best pvper ever, you noob.”
The stranger rolled his eyes. “Ya whatever dude.”
“You’re a worthless piece of ****, not like me who makes hundreds of thousands of dollars a year.”
“Riiight.”
“Go cry to your mom loser, I’m going to go bang my hot wife now.”
“Screenshot or it didn’t happen.”
“FU.”
Bryan would read about encounter on the forums later, which would turn into a twenty seven-page flame war that would result in a closed thread, three bannings, and the systematic virtual tea-bagging of at least eight posters by the one and only Scorpe. While unaware of this future event, Scorpe still giggled to himself at that very moment.
Bryan continued. “Ya, there’s something very off about him not talking.”
“Maybe he’s just not a social person,” offered Arundo.
“Possible,” shrugged Bryan, “could explain why all he does is try to kill people, unsuccessfully of course.”
“Hellllooooooooo!!!!!!” Exclaimed the newcomer, who appeared to have jumped up out of nowhere. Needless to say, this irritated Bryan.
“Oh god, are they all like this?”
“Welcome travelers to our noble land, Glaiver here, to lend a hand.” The man was dressed in a similar attire to the guards, but with quite a few more attachments and modifications. This man had clearly PvE’d quite a bit.
Bryan threw up his hands. “Oh ok, this one speaks in rhymes too.”
Glaiver continued. “If the medallion is that you seek, then a foe you’ll have to beat.”
“Off.” Coughed Scorpe.
Glaiver stepped forward and extended his arm. “A distant land is where you’ll go, there you’ll find this Pikuu foe.”
Vaca stepped forward, pounding his fists while speaking in his deepest roleplaying voice he could muster. “Where? Where is it we must go?”
“The desert land where danger waits, if not careful you’ll seal your fates.” Rhymed Glaiver as he gestured towards slitting his throat.
Arundo pondered. “Desert? Do you mean Kheshetta?”
Bryan shook his head in disdain. “Ah great, of course it had to be Khesh, damnit I hate Khesh!”
Vaca’s eyes widened. “Kheshetta??! It was invaders from there who destroyed my homeland of Tethana! And I vowed vengeance on them and the evils that they committed. It all makes sense now, this isn’t just a quest for me; this is my destiny!”
An awkward silence filled the room as everyone stared at Vaca.
“Eeeeegoooo.” Scoffed Scorpe.
“You done with your delusions of grandeur?” sarcastically asked Bryan.
“Ahhh…” stuttered Vaca.
Bryan cut him off before he could answer. “Good. So, we gotta get to Kheshetta now? That’s all the way across the map, it’ll take hours to get there!”
Glaiver rhymed in, ”Decus here is our best scout, he’ll lead you there without a doubt.” Upon horseback rode in a lean built ranger, outfitted in a dark brown armor that screamed hours of PvE.
“Hey guys.” Said Decus as he dismounted his horse. His voice was surprisingly normal.
Bryan sighed in relief. “Finally someone normal! And they have horses for us too!”
“Whoaaa, no, no we won’t be taking these,” dismissed Decus as he patted the horse away. “That’d be reverse arbitrage; buying high selling low. Considering the recession hit hardest in Kheshetta the market for horses is horrible! Plus, the price of horseshoes has skyrocketed over there! No no, that’d be completely stupid! Ha, no we’ll be hoofing it.”
Scorpe scratched his head. "Arbi-what?"
“You serious?” scoffed Bryan towards Decus. “It’s like a thirty minute ride by horse and three hour walk by foot.”
“Three and a half actually,” corrected Decus. “No worries though, the thoughts of capital gain we’ll be saving from the delegation of resources will be more than enough to sustain us for our journey.” Decus turned and started to walk off, humming ever so slightly. Bryan was visually displeased and sighed.
“And off our travelers go,” narrated Vaca as they traveled off into the sunset. “One step closer to the evil lands of Kheshetta, one step closer to fulfilling their destinies, one step closer to…
“…Shutting the hell up!” cut in Bryan. He could already tell this was going to be a long trip.
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Roleplayin' Episode 8: Road to Kheshatta
A few hours later, our heroes were coming up on Kheshatta. During the trip, conversation had started to drift. Scorpe tossed his dagger between his hands. “Did you know that in Little Debbie’s snacks there’s the ingredient Polysorbate 60, which also happens to be a main ingredient in condom lubes?”
Arundo shrugged. “Huh, no wonder they tasted familiar.”
“What?” asked Vaca as he turned around.
Arundo looked away. “Nothing.”
Bryan had grown tired of the subject and quickly changed subjects. “So how’d a duo like you pair up together?” he asked turning to Arundo. “You seem to be kind of a pacifist, while Scorpe is more like, how do I put this, a serial killer.”
Scorpe chuckled. “I know it’s great, right?”
Arundo’s eyes rolled. “I dunno, we both started playing around the same time, and being a healer, hanging around Scorpe there’s usually something that I always need to heal or resurrect.” Arundo turned to see Scorpe catching back up with the group.
“Oh! Arundo!” shouted Scorpe. “So I found this adorable little kitten back there, and it looked hungry so I did the only thing I could think of.”
“You fed it?” asked Vaca.
“No I punted it to see how far it could go! I think I cleared at least 60 yards! Man if the NFL used kittens instead of pigskins, I’d be a star.” Scorpe had full-fledged sincerity in his voice wishing the NFL used kittens. Live kittens.
Arundo turned back to Bryan. “See what I mean? We basically balance each other out. Kinda like this medallion thing does for the game I guess. So how’d your duo start?”
Vaca cleared his throat. “Well…” But Bryan cut him off before he could continue. “It didn’t, we’re not a duo.”
Vaca was taken aback. “But…”
Bryan cut him off again. “HE’S been tagging along since the beginning, and you know,” turning back towards Vaca, ”you’re actually the whole reason this started. I swear to God if this is a waste of my time, you’re life will become a living hell.”
“Waste of time?!?” Vaca pounded his chest. “This has already been an epic adventure! And if we truly do retrieve the phoenix medallion, we’ll be legends!”
Bryan was unmoved. “Which unless comes with bountiful loot is what I consider a big waste of time.”
Arundo raised an arm in question. “About retrieving the medallion, have we figured out how exactly we actually get it from Pikuu?”
“I was just planning to stab him enough times till he gave it up,” said Scorpe, twiddling his dagger between his fingers.
Bryan shook his head. “I think we’ve already concluded that killing him doesn’t make him drop the medallion.”
Scorpe shrugged. “Maybe you didn’t kill him hard enough?”
Vaca looked to be in deep thought, though Bryan simply passed it off as constipation. “What if his soul is trapped inside of a relic in a dungeon somewhere, and we have to defeat an evil lich overlord to release his soul which will then guide us to where he has the medallion at?!” The slight sound of music filled the air as Vaca finished, which irritated Bryan as he couldn’t figure out where it was coming from so he could kill it.
“Vaca,” sighed Bryan, “this isn’t one of your roleplaying fantasies. So keep your far-fetched RP ideas to yourself.”
Arundo chimed in. “Well if killing him isn’t the answer, maybe our best bet is to capture him, and then figure it out from there. I have a new binding spell that could work.”
“We could bring him back to Exophagy city for interrogation,” said Decus joining the conversation. “We’d save on the fixed cost of setting up a remote interrogation camp out here.”
Scorpe nodded in agreement. “Awww ya, and you guys probably have lots of straps and handcuffs to keep him bound too.”
The idea of a return trip, this time hauling a captive, upset Bryan. He made a mental note to never undertake a quest again where killing someone wasn’t a viable solution.
The terrain had been steadily turning into that of a desert landscape. The road had begun to narrow and the cliff walls seemed to grow with every step. As the group cleared the next bend, Bryan noticed a group of players standing in a bottleneck in the road.
“Ugh, keep your eyes open,” said Bryan. “Looks like we got some company up here.” As the group neared the strangers in the bottleneck, a bearded man stepped forward and held out his hand to stop.
“A ho ho ho, what have we here?” Said the bearded man. “Some travelers from a far looking for passage into Kheshatta?”
Bryan moaned. He didn’t have time for this. “Yes, we’re heading to Kheshatta, don’t worry though, we know the way, so if you’d please step aside…”
The bearded man waved his hands to slow down. “Now hold on, hold on. That’s good you know the way and all, but these roads here are veryyyy dangerous, some real scoundrels along them.” He looked back towards his companions, then back at Bryan with a smile on his face. “But nothing you would need to worry about if you were under the protection of us.”
“I’m sorry, and who are you?” questioned Bryan.
The bearded man held out his arms as if presenting royalty. “We are the Legion in Flames, and for a mere 75 silver we can guarantee your safe travels in these parts, for one day.”
Vaca gasped. “75 silver? I don’t have that kind of money!”
“I can offer you 75 stabbings, with silver! Does that count?” asked Scorpe as he held up his dagger nonchalantly.
“Thanks, but no thanks,” brushed off Bryan. “I think we can fend for ourselves.”
The legion member was not about to allow this. “Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up cowboy. I don’t think you fully understand what you’re getting into in these parts.”
“No I get it,” said Bryan in a demeaning voice. “You want us to pay you some money in exchange for your ‘protection’, but what you really mean is you won’t attack us if we pay, which in other words is a little thing called extortion. Sorry to say but we’ve already had to deal with some enemies much more dangerous than you.”
“And Flamers,” added Scorpe, “we’ve already dealt with some of them too.”
The legion member smirked. “It may not look so dangerous here, but then again you didn’t notice that RANGER over there!” Upon one of the cliff outcroppings popped up a ranger, seemingly appearing from thin air.
Bryan was more or less unimpressed. “Hmm, yep,” he said. No one seemed to notice the sudden lack of Scorpe standing with the group.
The legion member chuckled. “Yaaa, I bet you’re scared now! With his arrow pointed right at you, looking all mean, and tough, and,” the legion member turned to look at the ranger, “…dead?” Half hanging over the cliff, the ranger laid motionless, with what seemed to be a gratuitous amount of blood draining from him.
“Hmm,” said Scorpe, who no one noticed had now returned to the group. “Looks like he died from an accute case of slit throat.”
“How can you see that from here?” questioned the legion member.
“I have super eyes.” Scorpe whispered, loudly.
The legion member dismissed this. “Well no matter! We have many more men, and if you don’t want trouble you’ll pay the 75 silver!” he demanded.
“Like hell we will!” shouted Bryan.
“You will!” retorted the legion member.
Vaca pounded his chest. “By the guiding light of Mitra, your evil reign over this road ends here!”
“Ya what the noob said,” gestured Bryan towards Vaca. “Now move!”
Arundo was flustered. Direct confrontation was not a strong suit of his/hers. “Oh geez, oh geez, conflict! I’m gonna go get some whiskey,” said Arundo scampering off behind a rock.
Everyone else was poised for battle. The legion members looked bloodthirsty. Vaca was nervous. Scorpe was counting how much he could pad his k/d ratio by. Bryan was pissed though. At the moment, they were outnumbered, and while with the help of his undead minions they would have better odds, it would still take him a little while to summon all of them. While dim-witted, these legion members still seemed pvp-savvy enough to try and take out the mage first. This could get ugly. Plus Bryan had no idea how useful this ranger would be for them.
That’s when Decus stepped in. “Now hold on, hold on! Everybody settle down. What you have here is a bad plan, FINANCIALLY! Let me explain.” The legion leader eyed him suspiciously as Decus moved forward. “Now what we have here is a business plan that is based off of making returns on investments. You’re returns are based off the investment in us offering you high returns, but there’s some variable factors we need to look at to see if this is the most financially responsible action to take at this juncture…” The legion members slowly lowered their weapons as Decus explained his fiscal reasoning.
Forty-six minutes and a lecture involving opportunity costs, time-inconsistency problems, prisoner dilemmas, and depreciation costs, Decus’s argument was finally coming to a close.
“…And that is why you should let us pass,” explained Decus.
The legion leader was pondering. “So, by letting you go, we’ll save an estimated 32% on our returns?”
“Exactly!” exclaimed Decus.
Bryan awoke from a nearby rock he had been napping on. “Ahh, ya,” he yawned, “whatever he just said.”
Scorpe was not much one for lectures. “My head hurts!”
Arundo used the time wisely to finish off a copious amount of Jack Daniels. “Immaa, Imma (hiccup), I noz fisgal poopisees (hiccup),” Arundo stuttered while tripping over his/her own feet.
Vaca had actually been paying attention the entire time, though he was still trying to figure out his own conclusion. “I…I can’t tell if he was roleplaying or not.”
“For your sake we’ll say he was,” sighed Bryan.
“Yes!” shouted Vaca as he thrust his arms into the air. “An epic show of financial analysis, brave scout!
The Legion leader scratched his head. “Hmm, alright, well, I guess we better let you guys pass,” he said as stepping aside. “Have a good time in Kheshatta!”
Bryan rolled his eyes while walking by. “Ya thanks, bye.”
“Bye flamers!” Scorpe exclaimed with a grin. The legion members watched as our heroes traveled down the path and around the bend out of sight. One of the legion members turned to the leader. “What just happened here?”
“I have no f$@!&%g clue,” shrugged the leader.
The landscape had now fully transitioned into the desolate rocky desert of Kheshatta. Vaca, in a chipper mood after eluding the Legion in Flames, continued with his self-narration of the groups’ travels.
“And so, our group of adventurers traverse closer to their final destination of Kheshatta, narrowly escaping the deadly grips of the road bandits, Legion in Flames.”
“And hopefully it will be the end of all these weirdoes we keep running into,” chimed in Bryan. Just then they turned another corner, and perched on top of a rock was the one they had been looking for; the black haired, ever silent demonologist, Pikuu. This though was not the most peculiar sight, but instead the vast sea of black cloaked minions, knelt down and bowing in unison towards Pikuu. They produced a low hummed chant as Pikuu cast out fireballs at them, all of which looked to have little to no effect.
“Ha!” laughed Scorpe. “I love it when cliché lines get met with irony.” Bryan sighed.
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I don't think anyone remembers Scorpe and his hair now.
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Those last two "scripts" are surely a hoax. I don't believe that my buddy, Scorpe, would have ever written such nasty lies about me.
None of my characters have ever died in AoC. Any rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
